Closing The Chapter Of Just The Two Of Us
Bodie has always been good in the drop off situations at playgroup or camp - securely understanding that we were always coming back and this was his special time to play. I can’t say the same as we near the arrival of his little sister. Combined with talking about the game plan for the hospital, watching the nursery come together in his physical space and seeing me slow down, he’s extra emotional at the idea of me leaving.
It’s a whole new dimension to guilt - experiencing the limits beginning on how much I’ll be able to give him and recognizing that it’s not 100% joy as we get ready to welcome another piece of our family. I share this because like so many things of these transitions, it’s complicated.
For my first experience in motherhood, I had the privilege of time to create a calm cocoon. For six months I didn’t push myself to do much else besides observe him and learn in our new relationship. I met incredible women and eventually at a year I found room in my life for Mother Untitled but most of my time was reliably devoted to experiencing his development. I really learned about the child I had - a sensitive, curious and self-directed person. I grew in my capacity for patience and my understanding of who I wanted to be as a parent. I loved our routines, our community and who I became through it. Ultimately, I loved the space Bodie, and I had to grow alongside one another.
When I think about what I’m grieving now - it’s that space. A space that I so intentionally carved out of my career, headspace and life pre-motherhood to lean into the role of raising this boy. And in doing, I learned about what kind of wife and creative I wanted to be. So now in these final weeks of life, as we know it, it feels at capacity.
Every bit of the to-do list to prep for our baby girl feels a little haphazard. I think that we have everything we need to bring her home. I assume birthing will be like riding a bike, and my body will know what to do. Our bags seem somewhat packed even if it doesn’t look quite as color coordinated as the first time around. And the only universal feeling I have on all of it is that I trust it to all work and all come together.
This baby is coming, and Bodie is growing, and our family is changing. All these things are true. I was very conscious during my pregnancy, my labor and my first years with Bodie. Maybe, there’s something liberating in trading some of that consciousness and time for trusting the process in this next chapter. Trusting my family, my children and myself, as a mother. Something maybe I needed and earned to take this next part on. I’ll keep you posted.
If you’ve had another child, do you remember how you felt in the last weeks? I’d love to hear. xo