Happy Third Birthday To My First Baby

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Three years old sounds old. Says the 33-year-old mother.

I was watching Bodie intently during his nursery school celebration of lights performance before the holiday break. There was something very emotional about seeing him on a stage. It felt far away from me. Singing songs we’ve never sung at home, standing with friends he’s made outside of our social life and in the care of teachers he adores. He giggled when he saw us and beamed when the show was over. Then he along with his pint-sized crew marched passed the parents into their classroom. And my heart felt so full and a tiny bit cracked.

I was in awe of this independent person we’ve created and equally and acutely aware of putting him out into the world little by little. And anyone with half a heart would leave brimming with pride and joy for their children to begin to experience their space in their world, I had a lingering heaviness for the days behind us that I’ll never get back.

But today I woke up and looked at my son in all his humor and liveliness and realized this isn’t about me. He has a personality, interests and new relationships that extend beyond our sweet twosome of those first years. And now, I get the great privilege to enjoy watching those evolve (something our honest motherhood contributor wrote about previously). And my role evolves too. I don’t yet know how, but I’ll show up for it, always.

Tonight, after the cousins and the pizza boxes cleared out, Bodie called for me to come back after we’d put him down for the night. I set aside all the sleep discipline that we’ve so diligently adhered to and picked him up for a cuddle when he asked if we could sit together for a little bit and wait for the sun to come up.

These days are draining, but somehow after five minutes of sitting when he decided he wanted back in his crib, I’m still ready for that sun to come up again so I can see what he has in store for us.

Here’s to another year of the magic in growing.

Happy birthday baby bear. Thank you always, for making me your mother.